The Morning I Wept
It was just me, in the privacy of my room – sitting in the dark and crying bitterly. I had never felt like that before. I was weak with a disease in my body; mentally unsettled because of the medicine I had to use. I had been doing well prior to that – standing on God’s word about my healing. But early that morning, with no one around me, I had time to think.
Unfortunately, where my mind went to was how one minute, I was healthy, and the next, I basically was not – and it was scary. My body was weak and slightly mis-shapened. Chemicals were coursing through my body with the free will to do whatever they wanted with it – and I couldn’t control it. I was angry at the strange things – hospital visits, medicines, body aches – that were suddenly introduced into my life. I felt exposed and it felt unfair; That morning, all the negative thoughts that I had been holding back about the experience seemed to overwhelm me in one moment. So I wept – with anguish.
My experience with overcoming a blood disease has been a great testimony about faith in receiving your healing. And with faith, sometimes it feels like you can’t afford to be weak. You can’t afford to wallow in self pity. It feels like you have to be strong against all odds – and from that experience, I can say yes, you really do have to be strong despite what you see around you.
But that morning reminded me that I was human – and a woman at that. I couldn’t stop my emotions, and no one, really could fix my problem. I was in the thick of it. I hadn’t yet seen the results of the words I had been saying in faith. So all I could do was cry bitterly, my mouth uttering incomprehensible words to God, my face wet with tears and sweat…
You may not have had to battle a disease. But if you’ve lived just a couple of years, I don’t doubt that you’ve experienced something dear to you being stolen from you. Something you may have taken for granted; perhaps something you never had to work for it because it was always there. And suddenly, without any alert, it’s gone.
All I want to do is encourage. It may be a time when things look grim. But know that God is right there with you – Hearing every sigh of pain; hearing your thoughts and silent prayers; hearing the words spoken around you that feel like daggers to your heart. It’s amazing! Even while I was going through the scary moments, God was giving me strength as I asked for it. And when I was too weak to ask, He would strengthen me and make me laugh all the same. I mean, he really catered to me.
I remember my mother had said to me, “If I could take your place, I would do it without question.” That was love speaking. But here’s the thing – a greater Love has already spoken. And that’s the love of God displayed in his son Jesus Christ. The simple truth is Jesus died and took the diseased place so that you don’t have to be. He took the devastated place so that you don’t have to be. Once you can really settle your heart on that, it won’t be long until you recover all.
And maybe your response to this is that you don’t know Jesus. That’s ok. Just accept my invitation to do so – and He’s all yours.