Confessions of a Worship Leader: The Lover
I had heard of him, but I didn’t know him. I had heard he gave his life for me. But in my mind, he couldn’t possibly care about me. I was on earth, and he was, well…somewhere. Somewhere unreachable. Somewhere too sacred to behold. This was my idea of God.
In my mind, he was simply a judge. He was the one that would slam my fingers with the edge of his ruler and condemn me for my sins. He was the one that would tell me how much I didn’t measure up. He was the one that had a mile long list of all things I couldn’t do and couldn’t be. So, for the sake of my comfort, I put him in my pocket. Somewhere far enough that I didn’t have to be bothered by him and his ‘rules’; but also close enough so I could reach out in case I needed anything.
This was my way of being in control. So I thought, any way. I didn’t understand that it’s human nature to let something be god in our lives. We do it by default because that is the way we are designed. Whether we realize it or not, we give worship to something or someone else if not God himself – a job, a group of friends, a celebrity, a love interest… We allow ourselves to become bound by the need for their approval. So really, we are never in ‘control’.
As for me, my gods were anything that encouraged my pride. My celebrity idols that embodied the wild and the brass, my looks, music – with no filters, the list goes on. I was in a phase where my life stuck up the middle finger towards God. I was created to be his worshipper, but unfortunately my worship was towards the wrongs things.
How could that have been? I grew up ‘in the church’. I knew the songs, and the famous scriptures. But that was all it had been for me. I knew of a God of rules and uncompromising standards, and well, he was dry. But I didn’t know this God as the Lover.
He wasn’t moved by the fact that I had turned my back on Him. Nor was He bothered that I did many things to prove I didn’t need Him. He wanted me still. And He wanted to show me more than I could ever imagine…
And so He waited, like a patient lover would. He waited for the moment where He could unveil my eyes to see his passion for me. PASSION…for me. I was at the brink of a turning point in my life but I didn’t know it; and this was perfect scheme masked as an accidental break in; and for the Lover, my heart was up for grabs.